Dealing with Covert Aggression
Deal with Covert Aggression
Consultants are sometimes. victims of covert aggression. Their position as outsiders invited in, sometimes feels threatening to some client employees who respond by trying to sabotage whilst appearing to help.
In the book “In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People” by Dr George K Simon, Covert Aggression is explained as manipulation through disguising true intentions and motivations.
Covert aggression is less well known than passive aggression and there are some similarities. They are both indirect ways to aggress, but they are not the same thing.
Passive-aggression is, as the term implies, is aggressing though passivity. Examples of passive-aggression are
- resisting cooperation with them
- giving them the “silent treatment,”
- pouting or whining,
- not so accidentally “forgetting” something they wanted you to do etc.
In contrast, covert aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being covertly aggressive, they’re using calculating, underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover.
Covert Aggressive Tactics 101
Here are several ways in which covert-aggressive people act that consultants need to be on the look out for.
- Playing Dumb: Examples include when someone plays dumb when something they did is called to their attention, when someone who is very sharp suddenly acts oblivious, when someone with a great memory becomes conveniently forgetful.
- Diversion and Evasion: Covert aggressives never giving a straight answer to a straight question and always changing the subject when cornered.
- Lying: This is rarely black and white lying rather lying by omission, distortion or being deliberately vague. Covert aggressives will carefully craft their stories so that you form the impression that you’ve been given information but leave out essential details.
- Charm and Anger: A Covert Aggressive will switch quickly between two states, starting to charm and then If cornered, they may turn to anger. Remember: anger is an involuntary emotional response. If you see it suddenly switch on or off without good reason it’s a gambit.
- Playing the Victim: Covert aggressives don’t mind seeing people suffer. But normal people hate seeing people suffer — and they know it. So they’ll make themselves out to be the one in distress so your compassion becomes their ally.
- Rationalisation: You want to believe they’re a decent person. That means you are looking for a way to excuse their behaviour. And they’re more than happy to give you one. They use your natural tendency toward confirmation bias against you.
- Minimisation: Minimisation is insisting it’s “not that big a deal” or “you’re blowing this out of proportion.” To detect minimization, listen for two words: “just” and “only.”
- Guilt-tripping Covert aggressives don’t feel bad — but they know you do. They are skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. They may suggest that you don’t care enough, are too selfish in order to make you feel bad
- Shaming: Shaming is putting someone down to make them feel inadequate or unworthy so the covert aggressive can maintain dominance. The more you feel bad about yourself, the more likely you are to defer to them.
Dealing with Covert Aggression
Dealing with covert aggression can be a challenging experience; Here are six tactics to use once you have recognised this behaviour
- Be aware of the effect they have on you. Covert Aggressives elicit emotion which can make the situation more about how you feel than the actual situation. It’s important to recognize your own emotions and focus on what you can control – your own behaviour.
- Preparing for the next encounter is also crucial in dealing with covert aggression. Establishing boundaries, knowing what you want, and being ready for consequences are all key components of preparation. Seeking support from your colleagues may also be helpful in navigating these situations.
- Be on the lookout for tactics used by individuals who exhibit covert aggression. These tactics may include manipulation, gaslighting, or passive-aggressive behaviour. Recognizing these behaviours early on can help prevent further harm.
- Don’t accept excuses when addressing issues related to covert aggression, from the responsible party. Holding them accountable regardless of their justification is necessary in re-establishing position
- Making direct requests and accepting only direct responses is another essential aspect of dealing with covert aggression effectively. Clear communication helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures everyone involved understands expectations moving forward.
- Focusing on win-win outcomes can help diffuse tense situations while still ensuring everyone gets what they want out of a given situation without sacrificing one party’s needs over another’s interests.